Not a Big Deal

Failing Documentary Photography

As my Twitter suggests, I found my camera from the photography class that I infamously failed in college for plagiarism which inspired this post of things that seemed like a huge deal at the time, but actually weren’t. The story goes my whole family went to New Zealand over spring break to visit Jeff. I stayed home but instead of documenting my stay at home, I stole my brother’s pictures and said that I went to NZ with my family. After a few days of not getting my project back when I knew everyone else had,The "best" picture from the project I opted NOT to turn in.I knew I was in trouble. I remember thinking this was a huge setback and that in reality I was a pretty good kid, how did this happen? Others had cheated so many more times in so many different ways and always got away with it, the one time I tried to cheat, I got caught. I was moderately cool-headed about the whole thing but was pretty bummed. It ended up making pretty much zero difference in the end. My GPA suffered for a semester and I had to make up a few credits, but in reality, it was probably better than going to class three more times for three hours every Thursday. Above is one picture from the project I opted NOT to turn in.

Getting Caught Drinking in 10th Grade

10th grade
10th grade Sam & Ben ready to party

It was a Friday night before a UD football game and a ton of people were heading to Stolz’s to drink. I had only drank a few times prior and was over-excited for the occasion. I made it to the game plastered, got back to Stolz’s, took another shot or two, and vomited all over his bathroom. Instead of sleeping over I insisted that I needed to go home because we had XC practice the next morning. I was too drunk to explain to my dad where Josh’s house was and my mom ended up picking me up, obviously knowing I was wasted. I was crushed, and I don’t remember it very well, but I started crying to my mom when we got home because I felt so guilty. I woke up the next morning and went to XC practice only to get owned by everyone. I spent the rest of the day on the couch feeling like a complete degenerate. When you come from a family of alcoholics, this really isn’t that big of a deal, but at the time I swore off drinking.

Not Qualifying for Conferences as a Freshman

Freshman Running
Freshman year Indoor Conference DMR

I was always “pretty good” at running. In high school I ran 9:05 in the 3k when 9:03 was States qualifying. I was 10th at Districts outdoor with 9:42 in the 2 mile when I needed 8th and 9:30. I came in freshman year ready to be good. XC and indoor were fine, but after a 16:16 outdoor 5k being sick the whole week before, I figured it was finally time to qualify for conferences (16:14) and possibly break 16 for the first time. I had one last chance and BOMBED the 5k. I ran something like 16:40 in the last meet of the season. I missed conferences by 1 second in the 800, less than a second in the 1500, and 2 seconds in the 5k. I remember warming down at West Chester by myself and sitting down for about five minutes. For two years I was “good” but never actually that good. I had been training and training but not seeing the results I liked. I legitimately considered quitting running. Obviously I didn’t, but I was being a poon that day.

Getting Perma-Banned from AOL in 3rd Grade

In 3rd grade, Kurt and I harassed this kid on AOL. Kurt said something like “Oink oink oink” and I said “I’m going to kill you” which in hindsight was a mistake. The kid, like a total poon, reported us. I didn’t think much of it at the time but when I tried to log on the next day was greeted with a message saying I couldn’t log on and needed to call some number, I freaked out and denied it until the end. We had long conversations with the people at AOL and I just kept saying “Nope, it wasn’t me”. This went on for a few days until Kurt narked and told the adults without telling me that he was going to do that. I denied until they told me “Kurt told us everything”. Oh god, 8 year old kid, life over. Here are some good examples of things to say that could get you in trouble.
rudy again

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Chucky Bus Stop Prank

Someone shared this on Facebook (skip to 1:15).

While this is a hilarious idea and I would be absolutely terrified if this happened to me, something similar to the gif below is bound to happen (click to view).

elevator prakn

UC Alumni Mile 2014

This post will be dedicated to the Alumni Mile

I’ve been running ~30 miles a week for the last month or so take make sure I was in decent shape for this race. I went to Ursinus to hang out and drink a bit the night before the race. I didn’t want to drink too much though, as the race was scheduled for 10:30 the next morning. After two fourties, two shots, and two beers, I retired to Drew’s room who graciously gave me a bed to sleep in. We probably fell asleep at 1:30-2:00.

I woke up at 5:45 and couldn’t sleep. I got up, stayed quiet, and went to my car. I headed to Wawa for some Gatorade and a pre-race Sizzli before returning to the fieldhouse where I would wait for everyone to arrive. Two hours later the meet was underway. By the time the race was starting, my hangover was gone.

I wasn’t entirely sure who would be running the race. I had confirmations from Dave, Seth, Imbemba, and Jeff, but outside of that I didn’t know.

I wasn’t sure how to run the race. I could go out and try to run a mile as fast as possible or I could sit and kick for the win. I thought I would look like a dick if I went out and raced hard from the gun so I decided to sit for 1200 meters then kick so I only looked like a dick for 400 meters instead. I was also unsure how fast everyone else in the field was, but as the race approached, it seemed more and more like I would be on my own.

Long story short, I did exactly what I said I would. Our lap splits were 80, 92, and 93 before I took off. I closed in 60 flat which won me a bet against Simoncini who’s open 400 was a few tenths of a second slower than my last 400.

It was actually a very cool experience. There were 11 people in the race and while most were from within the last 10 years, one went as far back as ’71 (he also managed a 6:45 mile at his age which is quite impressive). Officially this was only the second running of the mile but I could see this becoming a tradition and am looking forward to it next year.

Wacker told me he would video the race or take pictures and ended up doing neither of the two so I don’t have any graphics to post.


From 6:55 Wednesday morning to roughly 1:00PM today (Thursday), the Stortz household was without power. Things like this are always fun for a little bit, but then you start to realize it actually sucks.

I woke up late which wasn’t a problem because work had also lost power and I had no way of doing work. I sat around the house for a few hours before going on a run in the rainy, cold weather. I returned home wet and cold. I made a big fire in the fire place to keep warm as the house was slowly losing heat. For about two hours I sang variations of the Monkee’s theme song to my cats while playing guitar and sending Snapchats. My mom returned home at about 4:30 and we began to prepare for the night.

We both started drinking alcohol and chatting it up by the fire for a bit before we decided to play a game of Scrabble. While my mom did beat me, I must say this was one of the worst luck games of Scrabble I’ve ever had. At one point I had four Is, two Us which is what I was dealing with most of the game. Despite 75 points in two of my last moves, it was not enough to make up the deficit, and I lost the game.

Eight beers into the night I was about ready for bed. I bundled up downstairs with Sneezy and prepared for a cold night. I woke up countless times and had an overall bad night of sleep which is rare when I’m drinking.

When I woke up the power was still out and it was 55 degrees and dropping inside the house. I needed a method for charging my phone and followed the advice of someone who said to charge it at a Comcast center on York road. I drove for about an hour to no avail before stopping at my aunt and uncle’s house. Fortunately, my uncle was home and had a generator running so I could charge my phone. I stayed and hung out with him for about an hour and a half before heading on my way.

At this point, still out of power, I decided I would make a purchase (see the previous blog post) of a cheap laptop so I could do some work. I went to Best Buy, picked out a $300 Chromebook, and headed home.

What a surprise, when I got home, the power was back! My purchase was made in vain. However, I have yet to open the box, and I believe I’m going to return my purchase in full. In reality, there are few situations where I would actually need it. But! In light of my recent talk of not spending money, I’m going to purchase a brand new set of Guitar Hero drums and guitar to make up for the purchase. The $150 I would spend on that would like double, if not triple, the value of the $300 Chromebook.

One night without power is a fun little adventure. When you’re powerless for more than a day, it becomes uncomfortable, inconvenient, and boring beyond comprehension.

This weekend is the much anticipated Alumni Mile at Ursinus. I’ve been “training” and think I’ll perform alright. My 25-30 miles per week for the last month will hopefully put me in decent shape. There could be trouble, however, as I’m going to Ursinus tomorrow night to drink with Rob Kelley. As stated before, I text Rob far more than anyone else and rarely get the chance to see him. I’ll do my best to not drink that much tomorrow so I can show up to the mile on time, and ready to race.

Wacker will be filming it and hopefully fireworks will fly and I’ll have some good blog material. Until then, “Really lookin’ forward to the weekend, you guys”

How Do I Spend Money

I went out to breakfast this Saturday with my mom and sister. We were making conversation when I said “I think I might go shopping today.” They replied with something like “Oh, what are you going to buy?” I said that I had been thinking of a few things and that I don’t really spend money on things anymore.

I spend money on three things. Food. Alcohol. Gas. I very rarely spend money outside of those three things. However, I’m a very loose spender when it comes to those things. I’ll spend three months with a dull razor or two weeks on the VERY end of my deodorant because I have this idea that I can still squeak out some value. However I have no problem picking up a $50 bar tab when only half of the drinks were mine.

Later that day I went “shopping”. My shopping list was three items long:

  • Guitar Hero
  • Blank CDs
  • Chips & dip

I’ve been itching to play some Guitar Hero but don’t have a guitar or drums so that was item one. I’ve been wanting to make CDs for my car so I have new music to listen to when I drive so that was item two. And finally, I ran out of scoops and creamy spinach dip so that was item three.

However, I wasn’t going to limit myself to only those three items. I went into this trip with the mindset of “I never spend money on anything I actually want. Not need, but want. I’m leaving this trip with something I wouldn’t ordinarily buy!”

My trip took me to four places: Best Buy, the Willow Grove Mall, Plato’s Closest, and Randazzo’s Pizza.

I went to Best Buy to hopefully buy blank CDs and possibly a GH set. I couldn’t find blank CDs or GH, but I did find the new Young the Giant CD which I spent $13 on.

After that I headed to the mall. After leaving Game Stop without GH (they didn’t have it), I wandered around aimlessly looking for anything that caught my eye before leaving, empty handed, and slightly embarrassed.

After the mall I headed to Randazzo’s for a slice of taco pizza which I think is the best slice of pizza money can buy. However, my big day of shopping consisted of one item totaling $13. I had to buy something else. Lucky for me, Plato’s Closest is in the same shopping center.

Unsure if this was even a store for guys (I was one guy out of about 10 people in there), I walked in, went directly to the collared shirts, and spent $10 on a new collared button up long sleeve. Afterward I got my slice of taco pizza, and drove home.

Total Spent: $26.

I went out shopping with the intention of spending money on anything I wanted and ended up forcefully spending $26. I felt pathetic. I knew I didn’t have to buy the Young the Giant CD either, as I could have downloaded the songs on my computer but I wanted to support the band because I like them. So in reality, I really only spent $10 on something I ordinarily wouldn’t buy. *However, I’m a huge fan of the shirt I bought.

I suppose not being able to spend money is a good thing, but c’mon. I have money but don’t spend it on anything that I really want. Sure I’ll buy a concert ticket here and there, but I’ve been dying to play Guitar Hero for months and for whatever reason I REFUSE to spend $150 on a brand new guitar and set of drums on eBay. It would be so simple, it would make me happy, provide hours of entertainment, and $150 is nothing, but I just won’t do it. I don’t know why.

This is what my mom was saying. I need a girlfriend to spend money on. I need someone here to justify my spending of money because otherwise I can’t do it. I’ve needed a new pair of shoes for as long as I can remember. I’m using Jeff’s old shoes which hiked the Grand Canyon and are dirty beyond recognition and a size too big, but I never go out to buy new shoes.

How do I snap myself out of this mindset that spending money is bad? This seems like a good problem to have, but it’s actually been bothering me A LOT lately. I’m in this constant mindset of “money not spent now is money you can spend later, just save it” and it’s killing me.

My thought was this, set $100-200 aside per week strictly for entertainment use that I have to spend by the end of the week. Other than that, I’m out of ideas. Help me.

Times up, Alaska!

After a long silence from the infamous commenter “Alaska”, s/he commented on the recent guest post by Jared. It’s literally been years since Alaska began commenting and I have been unable to identify this individual.

However, I have finally figured out who it is. But, instead of expose their identity or my supposed method of figuring out who they are to my millions of readers, I’m going to conduct a social experiment instead.

AlaskaI’m publicly claiming that I know the identity of Alaska. Alaska, instead of saying who you are in a post, I’ll allow you to text me, confirming your identity, and I won’t tell my everyone (not that you really care if I tell everyone). But, if a week goes by, and I don’t receive a text, I’m going to post who you are, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but there’s not much else I can do with your identity other than reveal it.

Now, Alaska, you obviously have two options. Believe that I know who you are and text me to confirm, or call my bluff and not text me. After all, I’ve been “trying” for years to find out who you are, what could have changed since your last comment? Of course, there is a third option where you do believe me but simply don’t care. That one is no fun though.

I don’t know what I plan to find out from this “experiment”. How much do people value my word I guess? Also, since I finally nailed my mystery person, I had to make a post about it. Or I got so fed up trying to find out that I created this brilliant bluff to hopefully figure this out.

Who really knows?! Your move!

Some of Alaska’s best comments:

“Glad you took the time to comment theist Jeff, you haven’t been helpful at all. Hey you’ll probably get a lot of girls with that condescending comment though”

“-land before time and free willy aren’t disney movies. And star wars started out as a movie franchise, the books came afterwards- no one reads them anyway”

“why is my comment awaiting moderation you fascist?”

“Six months of jail time for the murder of their daughter. Throw them in a cell, toss away the key, and tell them to pray their way out.”

Post #1000

This posts marks a milestone in my blogging career. This is my ONE THOUSANDTH post since transitioning to Word Press. That marks 1399 days since beginning this blog, for an average of five posts a week which I think is very reasonable. I also have had a total of 1,258 comments, which is, obviously, 1.258 comments per post. No need to hold back your applause.

This blog has come a long way since the very first post all the way back on April 6th, 2010. Not only is the evolution evident by a change in content, but just look at the five people who commented on that first blog post:

  • tristainTristan/Allie – Tristain was easily my best friend freshman year of college. The last time I saw him was over three years ago. We jokingly communicate roughly once every six months. No way he reads this. Allie and I were close freshman year and remained friends throughout school but don’t communicate outside of an occasional tweet. No way she reads this.
  • Katie – Current friend and ex-girlfriend. We stay in touch and run when possible. Probably reads this once a month.
  • Tom – Still my brother and the only regular reader/contributor of the five that still remains.
  • Tawny – My next door neighbor of ~18 years. We went out for drinks twice recently but other than that not much. No way she reads this.
  • Adam D – Was one of my best friends at school. We still speak often, mostly sharing stupid internet memes and gifs. Not sure if he reads this.

So much has changed in this period of time. Look back four years ago and try to recall all of the people you would interact with on a daily or weekly basis. It’s probably not an easy thing to do. If I didn’t keep this blog, I likely would have completely forgotten about me, Tristan, and Allie Minning’s half serious half joking love triangle from freshman year. That’s one tiny example. My entire freshman year of college is a blur to me now. Sure I can call the extremely significant events, but for the most part, it’s all faded. This blog however has the ability to revive those memories. As I’ve said before, that’s why I keep this blog! It’s fun to look back at what was going on in your daily life.

I also keep a personal journal, for things that I don’t share in this blog. I would encourage everyone to keep some form of something in order to keep track of things. I go back and read old blog posts pretty often as well as my journal. I don’t expect everyone to start a blog, but I can say with confidence that I’m very happy I’ve kept consistent with this as a whole and can use it as a reference of old memories and times past.


Wing Bowl XXII – Recap

I’ll pick up where I Jared’s post left off. If you’d like an even more detailed post with better pictures, read Tom’s review, which recounts the same events as we were together the whole time.

AssholeAfter lots of music, beer, and fun, we headed off to Well Fargo to prepare for the event. We walked around the parking lot a bit before taking out seats. Alex, Jared, and Tom wandered off in the stadium while Mahony and I voluntarily took a power nap until they got back.

The event itself was what I expected. There was a ton of drunk dudes and a ton of flashing girls. It lasted a little longer than I was anticipating but the comradery was fun and the flashing girls put everyone in a great mood. As stated earlier, I was rooting hard for OB and although he fell short, he still finished sixth eating 160+ wings. The girl that won was ridiculous. She was on full speed the entire time, never slowing down.

0131140805bAround 9:00 the event ended and the five of us left for Delilah’s breakfast. We hung there for a while before meeting up with Gourlay and the La Salle crew at Finnigans. It was all of the usual suspects and it’s always nice hanging out with those guys. The band there was great and the whole crew was rejuvenated. For hours we rocked the dance floor as hard as we could to a wide range of songs. My worst move was losing a bet to this older woman I was dancing with and buying her a beer only to give it to the wrong older woman. I didn’t even realize it and shamefully took the beer back from the wrong woman after she insisted. When I went to give it to the right woman she said she didn’t drink beer. More for me I guess.

We danced the afternoon away until roughly 3:00 (?) when we decided it would be best to head home. Mahony, Jared, Alex, and I headed home, got some Wawa club sandwiches, and went our separate ways. I was in a daze for the rest of the night until about 7:30 when I threw in the towel.

All in all the whole day (night) was a 100% success. Everything went according to plan which is rare and there was never a dull moment. I made a statement beforehand that I would not blackout as that could be a night ender and I held true to my word. I had a fantastic time and would absolutely do it again next year.

After 12 hours of sleep I was up this morning feeling surprisingly well after a long bender. Laura, my mom, and I got some breakfast (Eggs Benny) and I went on a nice six mile run that concluded with a 5:35 mile.

Tonight is my Work Winter Party. I’m going stag so I don’t know how this will be. There are a lot of young people at the office who are friends with each other (the support department) and I’m kind of on the outside. While I do have my friends in marketing, we’re the minority. I’ll need to get a good buzz going so I can be loosey goosey talking to people and with my dance moves. Yesterday was a great warm-up/practice session for dancing so I hope that goes well. Whether I struggle socially or hit it off, it will be a fun time regardless. It’s 6:00 right now and I have to go get ready.

Happy Saturday everyone!

Jared from Subway – Guest Blog

Jared from Subway – Guest Blog

Before I start this passage I must admit I am not Sam nor Bansheeman7, I am someone who has been an asshole and am currently an asshole. I am still wearing the hat to prove it, unfortunately. However, after fighting one of my best friends, crying over a lost E-Cig pack, and various other disregards for respective behavior at Tom’s new house, I have decided it is best to continue to drink as heavily as possible. I mean i’m going to take home a bed leaner. Bed Leaner- noun- a Large drunk girl who is most likely twice as heavy as you would like to take home and forces your bed to lean to one side. You try to fight the urge to scream and roll over but you somehow get lost in some crumbs of cheese its SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE ATE IN YOUR FUCKING BED.

Currently it is 3:54 AM Friday the 31st of January, and after the last two hours of drinking with the wingbowlers we are attempting to find a way of passage to the promise land (Wells Fargo Center). Perhaps the biggest tool at Stortz tools is Alex, however after his long rein as tyrant the Irish took over. That was an interesting change in atmosphere. We immediately started listening to folk music and drinking whiskey, unfortunately we were out of potatoes. We are leaving the tool house in T-minus 40 minutes, if we make it to the promise land then we promise to update you on the debauchery and mayhem. Until then my name is Joo Radley and I am here to make some unnecessary noise.

Wing Bowl XXII

It’s currently 2 AM on Friday the 31st of January. I’m at Stortz Tools right now with Tom, Alex, Mahony, and Jared drinking beers and getting ready for Wing Bowl 22. I’ve had multiple opportunities to go to Wing Bowl but have never followed up on it. This year I finally decided it was doable. I took tomorrow off from work and have all weekend to recover for work on Monday.

skinsThis Wing Bowl, however, is somewhat different from a normal Wing Bowl because this time I actually have a horse in the race. I know OB through the Reilly’s and Gourlay. He was on the La Salle track team and I’ve hung out with him on extended occasions on, I would say, 5-10 times. He’s competing for the third time in the Wing Bowl under the name Skin n’ Bones.

OB was recently featured on Barstool Philly with Smitty doing an eating challenge in Manayunk. He ate four “Fat Dude” sandwiches in 37 minutes which is apparently pretty impressive. Last year he got fourth in the Wing Bowl which is extremely impressive and this year he has a legitimate (albeit small) shot to win. I don’t know exactly how this whole ordeal will work but I’ll be rooting hard for Skin n’ Bones.

It’s now 2:15 and the drinking is beginning to pick up. I’ve had four beers and although I don’t want to black out for the actual event, it’s time to get started.