The Password Is…

I recently changed my password to all of my heavily used, password protected accounts, and it’s liberating. A fresh start, anything that anyone thought they knew (no one actually knew), has vanished.

My memory of passwords dates back to when I was 8 years old making my own account on Diablo. I stole Tom’s passwords and used them for my own. I still remember the simplest one, the word “phat“, was the one I used. A four letter word with no caps or numbers was the key to my Diablo account which took up more hours of my time than anything else in my entire life. Oh how the world is changed.

My current password is 13 characters. That narrows it down to about one bajillion. It’s changed to varying degrees probably five times since I was 8, yet this most recent one is the most elaborate.

Why did I do this? A co-worker of mine was hacked recently and sent an email to the entire company about opening a Google doc. I did not open the Google doc. A follow up email about security was sent out and recommended password changes to ensure protection. Passwords have evolved so much. Trying to use “phat” is no-no. Too short, no caps, no numbers, no special characters. What a joke.

The real question is, when are passwords going to go away entirely? When will passwords be replaced for good by either finger print readers, retina readers, voice recognition, or something crazy I don’t even know like penis-size detector, or anal insertion, or death? I’m just throwing out ideas. As information gets more and more “out there”, security will be, and is already, the wave of the future.

The guy who thinks up the perfect way to protect information that needs protecting is the guy who will be a billionaire, just like all the other tards who had some bat-shit idea that actually worked.

I’m telling you, watch out for anally inserted password protection.

A Quick Life Update 1/12/15

I’ll give you a quick life update since it’s been a bit:

This Weekend

A little eye candy for the lady-readers.

On Friday, Liz and Emlamb came to visit for the night which was fun. We all played drinking games and went out to Brew Pub, I only kind of blacked out.

Saturday was a slightly different story – I bonged beers (8) for the Tom Brady Show and then we headed to Kurt’s place in the city for a night out on the town. The pregame lasted until midnight and I was toast, so a small group of us went home early.

Viva Las Vegas

I’m going to Las Vegas alone for a conference for work at the end of February. Last time I was in Vegas I was 16 and stayed in my room every night while the rest of my family went out and had fun because they could all drink and I couldn’t. This time will probably be equally fun, as I arrive on a Sunday and leave the following Thursday, with conference action starting Monday morning into Thursday.

TCB List

1) Get a passport. 2) Schedule a dentist appointment to make sure I haven’t grown any extra teeth in the last 10 months. That second one is actually really important, because if I have grown extra teeth, I could be screwed. I won’t get into it, but when the surgeon says “and it could result in you permanently losing feeling in one side of your face“, it’s a bit concerning.

All the Rest

The days are getting brighter (on March 8th the sun will set at 7:00PM, that’s less than two months away) and Tom Brady is appearing in his ninth AFC championship game. Running is good, work is good, and life is good right now.


Quality or Quantity With Blog Posts?

As I’ve said in the past, if Green Tower Defense for WarCraft Frozen Throne taught me anything, Quality > Quantity. For five years, I’ve tried to go with quality over quantity. I always said “I try to get five blogs a week, but I’m not going to force it if they’re not good“. Fuck that.

Seeing this made your stomach drop.

When I read that stupid Joan of Arc tweet, and realized I had no idea what it was talking about, my first thought was “blog post“. Then I thought a little more and wondered what I would write about. Was there enough substance to formulate a whole post? I started to second guess it. But then, I was just like, fuck it, why not? If the Zerg rush from StarCraft taught me anything, it’s that getting something out, no matter how shitty, is the key to success. You would rather see some stupid family tree drawing and horrible misinterpretation of a historical reference than nothing at all, right?

The quality posts will still exist (you all hate them, so I guess they’re not really ‘quality’). But I feel a constant stream of short and sweet posts coming in the future. This will boost overall post count as well a reason for you guys to visit every day.

Sam of Smart

Here’s a tweet Uberfacts just sent:


I’ll break it down from the top

  • Noah is the guy that God told to make an ark because it was going to rain a lot. Noah built the ark and got a bunch of animals to come with him. I’m semi-confident he wasn’t real. Below is my interpretation of his family tree.Noah Family Tree
  • Joan of Arc, I thought prior to reading this tweet, was a real figure, though I’m not sure from where. My thoughts are either in ancient Rome or Greece, or possibly Europe in the middle ages, so from anywhere from like 2000 B.C. to 1500 A.D. I think Arc is short for Arcadia*, but not positive.
  • If someone asked me this question I would say obviously say No.
  • I don’t know if 12 % is supposed to be a lot or a little. If Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife, then it’s a little. If she wasn’t, then it’s a lot.
  • On what planet is this a significant statistic that someone would take the time to survey?
  • I googled it. Joan of Arc was France in the early 1400s. Noah was a raging alcoholic according to his Wikipedia, but regardless, they were NOT related.
    Score one for Sam!

*Arc is not short for Arcadia. Joan of Arcadia is a TV series on CBS.

**I’m quite possibly the dumbest person in America. 20 minutes after posting this, I’m realizing people would think they’re married because Noah’s ARK and Joan of ARC. Now I understand why that stat is semi-relevant.

Another Gourlay Post

Kudos  Emlamb for getting 14 likes on your comment.
Kudos Emlamb for getting 14 likes on your comment.

Yesterday’s post was a success. Posting the link on Facebook drove about 60-70 people to this blog (who knows how many extra I got by including “My Tiny Penis” in the title). The Facebook post itself received 19 likes and 9 comments from people of varying relationships to me which is also good.

Why was the post well received? Because it was funny and relatable.

Why was it funny and relatable? Relatable because everyone’s had some gym experience. Funny because I tried to make it funny, but more-so, because I wrote like Gourlay.

A paragraph like “I went to the gym occasionally in college, mostly to run. Once was for class. We had to see how many times we could bench press 75% of our body weight. I was sick and had two hot girls in my group. I benched 105 zero times and didn’t have sex with either of them. For reasons like this, I hate the gym.”  is very Gourlay-esque. The story / content is 100% true. The delivery is key.

sam and gourlayWhat’s this mean? I’m not necessarily “stealing” from Gourlay, I’m learning from Gourlay. In this post, I said that I stole lines such as “milk me” and “in the morning“, which is true. But in this case, I’m not stealing because I’m using my own content, and just adding a Gourlay-twist to it.

When bands were forming in the 70s, they would have been foolish to say “The Beatles are great, but we aren’t the Beatles, we’re going to be totally different and way better!” I don’t think gourlaysgoodies and the Beatles are comparable in terms of influence, but you get what I’m saying. You learn from others, and that’s what’s happening, apparently to the delight of my readers.

So thanks Gourlay, I’ll see you tomorrow.

Planet Fitness and My Tiny Penis

This post has little to do with my tiny penis (see Tom’s recent post) and everything to do with Planet Fitness.

I signed up for Planet Fitness yesterday after work. The roads were icy, and Manayunk is not conducive to running on icy roads since it’s so hilly.

I had three options

  • Run on the icy roads and risk injury.
  • Don’t run – like a normal person.
  • Sign up for Planet Fitness and remove all doubt that I’m gay.

Option three made the most sense. I walked in, asked to sign up, and a few strokes of a pen later, I was in.

Now, below is the entire history of Sam Stortz in a gym:

  • In high school my dad signed me up for LA Fitness. I went four days in a row and never went back.
  • I went to the gym occasionally in college, mostly to run. Once was for class. We had to see how many times we could bench press 75% of our body weight. I was sick and had two hot girls in my group. I benched 105 zero times and didn’t have sex with either of them. For reasons like this, I hate the gym.

So needless to say my gym experience has been minimal and not supremely positive. However, I was ready to move forward for the safety and health of myself.

Since I’m such a gym-noob, there were a few basic things that I was unsure of. There’s one rule of being somewhere that you’re unfamiliar with: Act like you know what you’re doing.

I walked in fast-paced directly towards the back corner without looking up praying that the locker room would be back there (I wasn’t confident they’d have a locker room). Bingo. When I got in, I noticed they didn’t have community locks, you had to bring your own. So what? Doesn’t phase me. I went straight to the urinal. I wasn’t sure if I should take my shorts off at the treadmill or not (the ones over my short shorts), so while no one was looking at the urinal, I slipped out of my mesh shorts, only wearing my short shorts and t-shirt. Perfect. I power walked up to a treadmill in the front row in front of a blank TV and cranked that baby up to 8 MPH.

The key to running on the treadmill is to act like it’s really easy. I was looking around, messing with my iPod, dropping my arms, falling back and then running too far up. I didn’t give a shit, running is easy!

Though it looked easy, my shirt said otherwise. I was dripping sweat after 15 minutes and by the end there was no evidence that my shirt was grey when I started, as it was soaked through with sweat and looked black. I did 8 miles total with the seventh mile being close to 5:30. Did I feel like a tool? No. Lifting weights is for tools. Running fast is what girls like, and running fast is what I did.

I got off the treadmill, wiped it down, and power walked out of there. I’ll be back today and tomorrow because of the cold / roads, so I’ll get to “flex” my gym muscles a few more times to establish myself.

Maybe I’ll show off my tiny penis in the locker room next time, but I doubt it.

USA Blank Map Challenge

I decided to test my smarts with no real preparation other than my general knowledge. Fill in all of the blank states. It’s harder than you think, though this is something all Americans should probably be able to do. I posted my results below. Give it a try!















My mistakes:

1) I mixed up Alabama and Mississippi,
2) I mixed up Kansas and Nebraska,
3) I put Wisconsin as Minnesota
4) I put Michigan for both Wisconsin and Michigan…


Did you beat me?

My Open Thoughts on Religion

“Religion… has certain ideas at the heart of it which we call sacred or holy or whatever. What it means is this, ‘Here is an idea or notion that you’re not allowed to say anything bad about; you’re just not. Why not? – because you’re not!’ If somebody votes for a party that you don’t agree with, you’re free to argue about it as much as you like; everybody will have an argument but nobody feels aggrieved by it. If somebody thinks taxes should go up or down you are free to have an argument about it. But on the other hand if somebody says ‘I mustn’t move a light switch on a Saturday’, you say, ‘I respect that’.

Why should it be that it’s perfectly legitimate to support the Labour party or the Conservative party, Republicans or Democrats, this model of economics versus that, Macintosh instead of Windows – but to have an opinion about how the Universe began, about who created the Universe… no, that’s holy? … We are used to not challenging religious ideas but it’s very interesting how much of a furore Richard [Dawkins] creates when he does it! Everybody gets absolutely frantic about it because you’re not allowed to say these things. Yet when you look at it rationally there is no reason why those ideas shouldn’t be as open to debate as any other, except that we have agreed somehow between us that they shouldn’t be.” – Douglas Adams

I don’t believe in God. That’s not to say it’s more right or wrong than someone who does, but I personally find the idea of religion stupid, for lack of a better term. Sure, religion can teach good moral values and the “right” way to live life, but why do we need to trick people into thinking that if they don’t live life this way, they’re going to hell? I don’t need the peace of mind that it provides, and don’t see a reason to believe in a God that has shown no evidence of existing. That doesn’t mean I’m going to go on a witch-hunt for anyone who is religious, but those are just my open thoughts.

I try to avoid talking about religion most of the time, mostly because when someone tells me they’re “religious”, I don’t want to “offend” them. But that’s silly, and I agree that it’s irrational that speaking up against religion, in the same way that we can speak up against nearly anything else, is frowned upon.

I’m posting this for three reasons.

1) To speak freely about my “religion”,
2) Because I shouldn’t feel bad about doing so,
3) Neither should you.

2014 NFL Playoff Predictions

Round One


Ravens at Steelers
The Ravens have proven multiple times that they’re dangerous in the playoffs. The divisional rivalry will make this one fun to watch. I trust both QBs in this one, and both teams are all around solid, but I take Big Ben at home.

Bengals at Colts
The Bengals are a popular upset pick in this one to snap their playoff losing streak, but Luck is getting better each year, and have proven themselves in big(ish) games before whereas the Bengals haven’t. The trend continues, Colts win.


Cardinals at Panthers
The two worst teams in the playoffs. Does it even matter who wins? The Cardinals went off as a 6.5 point underdog which I thought was too big even though Lindley is starting. It’s since moved to 5.5, so it’s swinging their way. I see the Cardinals pulling the “upset” despite the 14th string quarterback.

Lions at Cowboys
Ugh. I don’t like saying the Cowboys will win, but I think they will. The line is big but I think it will be closer than it’s implying. The Lions are legit, but the Cowboys are hot at the right time, and that’s more than half the battle.


Round Two


Colts at Patriots
Tom Brady. Done deal. Luck is on his way up, but the torch is not ready to be passed yet. They’ll settle for another year where they made a step in the right direction, but the Pats, in Foxborough, are not getting bounced in round one.

Steelers at Broncos
Manning has been human as of late, and though the Broncos finished 12-4, they aren’t as scary as they were last year. However, I don’t think the Steelers are the team to knock them off, and the Broncos and Pats will have an AFC Championship rematch.


Cowboys at Packers
Believe it or not, I actually could see the Cowboys winning this game. But Aaron Rodgers has been other-worldly this season, and although the Cowboys offense may put up some points, I don’t think they can keep pace with the Packers. Packers win.

Cardinals at Seahawks
Seattle has been layin’ pipe the past few weeks and will more or less dominate a decimated Cardinals team. I know the Cardinals kept it close in their last game, but it’s the playoffs, Seattle knows what they’re doing, and this one won’t be in question.


Championship Round

AFC Championship

Broncos at Patriots
The two best teams in the AFC rightfully so meeting in the championship. This is the game people want to see. See the regular season if you want to know how this one will play out. Sweet sweet revenge for Brady and the Pats after last year’s embarrassing performance. Sorry Peyton, Tom stamps his ticket to his six Super Bowl.

NFC Championship

Packers at Seahawks
Same as the AFC game, these are the two best teams in the NFC, and this is the game people want to see. History says two things, 1) the home team wins, and 2) when a great defense plays a great offense, the defense wins. Both points favor Seattle. I think it will be a good game, but Seattle makes a second consecutive journey to the Super Bowl.


Super Bowl XLIX

Patriots vs. Seahawks
What do you honestly expect me to say? Tom will get done what Peyton could not, and the debate of who’s better between them, and cement his legacy as GOAT. I made this same prediction last year, but this is a new year. Last year they were injured out the whazoo and limped into that Championship game IN Denver. This year they’re healthy, and it will be sweet victory for the first time in a decade. I even used the same picture as last year.




How My 2014 NFL Playoff Predictions Panned Out

I made the following predictions 9 weeks into the season. I have my picks next to the actual outcome for comparison. There were some good calls (AFC in general, Packers/Lions game) and some bad calls (Dolphins, Saints, leaving out Seattle, and worst of all, Eagles).

Predicted Actual Predicted Actual
Cardinals (12-4) Seahawks (12-4) Patriots (13-3) Patriots (12-4)
Eagles (12-4) Packers (12-4) Denver (12-4) Broncos (12-4)
Packers (11-5) Cowboys (11-5) Colts (12-4) Steelers (11-5)
Saints (9-7) Panthers (7-8-1) Steelers (11-5) Colts (11-5)
Lions (10-6) Cardinals (11-5) Dolphins (10-6) Bengals (10-5-1)
Cowboys (10-6) Lions (11-5) Bengals (9-6-1) Ravens (10-6)

I’m going to do a playoff prediction post just like last year’s. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a dream like last years that the Chargers beat the Broncos in the second round like I did last year, but I may lay some bills on a few of these games to make it interesting.

Go sports!!!!