Go Ahead, Say It…

…I’m a genius! I’m the only one in the world who predicted this outcome one month ago, and two weeks ago. Is it easy being this smart? Yeah, it is. When Tom Brady is on your side, it’s easy to predict everything.

In all honesty though. The game was pretty spectacular. The first quarter was quick and boring, but things got going in the second quarter and didn’t let up until the clock struck 00:00. What a game. Seattle “had it” due to an absurd catch by Kearse, and then gave it right back. Like everyone has said, why not run it with Marshawn?

Hindsight is 20/20. You took a shot on a pretty sure-fire play. Look at this picture. It looks pretty convincing that that will be a completed pass, and Seattle is on their way to back-to-back.

Super Bowl

Butler made an incredible play.

Tom wins ring number four, and SB MVP number three, tying Joe in both. He seems pretty set in stone as a top 3 all time quarterback, with an obvious strong case for #1. To go 37/50 against this defense, and 13/15 for 124 and 2 tds in the 4th while down 10, is remarkable. Some say Edelman or Butler should have won MVP. You can’t give it to Butler for one play. Edelman did play great, but I think in the plainest terms of “who provided the most value to the team that won the game“, you have to say Brady.

Now we wait a few months for the Sixers playoff run!

Using Social Media the Wrong Way

Here’s a post I saw on Facebook.

FBClick here to read the article

My initial thought was, “Wow, she looks like a sweet girl, that’s pretty messed up“, so I clicked to read more.

This is an example of people using social media the wrong way.

This girl stole a car, the police officer approached the car, she hit the officer with her car, they fired at the car, and killed her. Stealing a car and hitting a cop is stupid. Her being 16 isn’t an excuse, and that doesn’t make the police officers action any less correct. You can’t fault the police officers for acting the way they did. As a person, 16 or 60, you know that if you HIT a police officer with a STOLEN car, you have given them enough cause to shoot at you.

Does that justify her dying? No, not really. I don’t think she deserved to die, but the police acted as they should have.

Imagine if I posted an article that had the title “Heroic Police Officer Survives Hit From Driver of Stolen Vehicle After Attempting To Stop Them“. You’d say wow, what douche would hit a cop in a stolen car? Thank god he’s alive. But headlines like that are fucking stupid, because they don’t tell the whole story, and are obviously skewing it one way, just like this one.

Then I looked at the website itself.

thefreethoughtproject.com. Anyone who is posting news articles from this site loses credibility. They have about 75 links to articles on their site, and every single one is anti-law enforcement. It’s as biased as you can possibly get. Sites that are totally right biased exist too. Both extremes are, as I said, fucking stupid. But these left biased stories get shared far more (at least among my social network) than others.

My cousin is a cop. I can say confidently he acts according to what he was taught to do, he’s not racist, he does not abuse his powers, and he makes his community a better, safer, place. Reading these hugely biased pieces that say all cops abuse their power makes me angry. Reading hugely biased pieces that say all blacks or minorities are criminals makes me angry.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. If you’re fighting for equal rights, or to have police officers held accountable for their actions (I support both), or whatever else, sharing stories like this is doing the opposite of supporting your cause. It makes you seem like a stupid, unreliable source of knowledge.

C’mon, this was a good tweet

TweetI tweeted this yesterday and didn’t get much love. Someone explain this to me.

This tweet came to me in the shower. My first version was: “If pussy was oil, you could call me John D. Rockefeller“. That didn’t make perfect sense, so I thought I needed to clarify. I added “cause I have a lot of it“, but that didn’t really sound good. If anything, it makes me sound like I AM a pussy.

So then I based the tweet on that last sentence. I don’t want people to think I have a lot of pussy. I want people to think I get a lot of pussy. Okay, let’s work from there.

Historically, what did certain people get that other people didn’t? Slaves? Money? Drunk? None of these were working. People don’t get physical things, at least not the way we use the word, they get concepts and ideas. Bingo!

Pick a really confusing concept or idea, and equate yourself the person who gets it. “If pussy was quantum mechanics, you could call me Albert Einstein“. Genius!

“This is a good post, Sam” – Albert Einstein.

But then, but then, I had an even more genius thought. Why would I say that about myself? There’s no validity behind that. So instead of me saying it, I twisted it around and made Albert Einstein say it. This adds credibility to the statement and humor because there’s no reason Einstein would ever say that.

After five minutes in the shower, I was pumped to send out this masterfully crafted tweet.

Boom. Insta-like / retweet by Rob. Follow up like by Satchel. Then? Silence. Nothing. The tweet fell into the abyss never to be seen from or heard of again. I put more thought into this tweet than any other, and it’s gone forever.

That’s why I’m writing this post, to honor a genius tweet. And also to learn why the hell no one liked it.

The Flaw in the 30 Second Web Ad

Most of you know what I’m talking about. When you play a video on a website, and a 30 second ad comes up. This happens on Youtube, ESPN, CNN, NFL, NBA, the list goes on and on.

What’s wrong with 30 seconds?

Most of us find ads annoying regardless of length. But what’s the one thing we know about today’s internet users? They have a very short attention span. 30 seconds is an eternity. When I click to see Tom Brady silence the haters, 30 seconds of bullshit is the last thing I’m hoping to come up. It may even garner a dislike for said product  or service because they’re preventing me from seeing what I want.

30 seconds after the ad that inspired this, I already had the title and first two sentences of this post done. The internet is not television. TV watchers are doing one thing (for the most part) – watching TV. Ads are an accepted evil in the TV world.

The mindset of an internet user is entirely different. We aren’t going to wait on one screen for 30 seconds and watch an ad, we’ll open another window and keep surfing.

The better alternative.

The 10 second ad is genius. If I click to watch a video, and the ad is only 10 seconds long, I can accept that. The general attention span can handle ten measly seconds of unwanted waiting (I at least think this is true for today, maybe 10 seconds will be way too long in the future). Plus, you can’t get much else done in 10 seconds, so you can accept waiting it out.

The real crime of it all

Example of a great ad that gets the point across in no-time.

These advertisers are likely paying more to have a 30 second ad compared to a 10 second ad. By adding 20 seconds, you’re increasing the total dollar you’re spending, increasing the dislike for your product, decreasing the number of eyeballs that actually watch the ad, and maybe getting few extra nibbles because you have more information than a 10 second ad.

Those who can make a compelling 10 second ad are the ones who will benefit greatest from the high demand for online video watching.

Pre-Super Bowl XLIX Thoughts

So much is swirling around this game, that it seems so few people are actually talking about the game. Here are my thoughts on everything.


Far and away the biggest topic leading up to the Super Bowl is Deflate-Gate. Brady and Belichick both say they were completely unaware. That’s hard to believe. If either had a role in this, it’s Brady more than Belichick. The blame would fall on Tom.

ESPN had three former NFL players feel a properly inflated ball, and deflated ball. All three former players immediately noticed a difference. How did nobody else notice during the games?! Be it a ref, a player on the other team, or someone else. Another point is that the refs would be touching a normal ball, then the under-inflated ball every single possession change! How could that possibly slip by every single one?

That argument says one of three things.

1) They’ve been cheating all along, and the refs are also at fault for not realizing until now.
2) They tried it for this game and got caught (though everyone agrees the balls had no impact on the outcome of the game).
3) It actually was something completely accidental / unplanned.

None of those seem likely. This whole situation puts Roger Goodell in a really tough situation. People are calling for action, and with the year that the league had, they have to do something. After Ray Rice, they’ve gone to suspending players before the case is settled. The league would never suspend Tom Brady prior to the Super Bowl. That’s not my biased opinion, that’s a damn-near fact. But if they want to be consistent, something has to happen. I’m really interested to see how this all plays out, because it seems like Brady absolutely had to be involved somehow.

Could you imagine if Jimmy Garropolo started the Super Bowl and Bill Belichick wasn’t coaching. No one would care, and Seattle’s second Super Bowl win would have an asterisk as well because they played a severely under-staffed Patriots team. That’s a loss for everyone, including the public.

Marshawn Lynch

Marshawn Lynch has been fined by the NFL for not speaking to the media (and when he does speak to the media, he gives interviews like the one on the right), and doing his signature “hold-mah-dick” pose when he scores a touchdown.

I’m a fan of Lynch. I think it’s absurd that he’s being fined for not speaking to the media. People are freaking out at him saying “just answer the questions!“. Where in his contract does it say that he has to give thoughtful answers when he speaks? The guy obviously doesn’t like doing it. Whether he has some “condition”, that I question, but he hates doing it and fining him money for something so stupid is, well, stupid. I don’t understand how this has been made into a big deal. Who cares if he doesn’t want to talk to the media?

Richard Sherman

Sherman created some waves with what he said about Tom Brady and the “you mad, bro?” game. I’ve been a fan of Sherman for a while, and think what he said last year after the NFC Championship was good for football.

I have no problem with Sherman stirring the pot here. He knows what people want to hear, and he’s more than willing to say it. I love trash talk in all sports. But perhaps most importantly, he backs it up. He basically takes away one side of the field for a quarterback when he’s playing. Keep it up, Richard.

The Actual Game

With so many story lines, people are losing sight of the best part, the game!

Legacy vs. Legacy. Can Brady get ring number four and make a strong case for GOAT? Or will the Seattle D prove they’re one of the all-time greats by going back-to-back against Manning and Brady? It doesn’t get much more impressive than that, especially in today’s offensive league.

I’m rooting for the Patriots, but with the line at even, I have a really hard time giving an unbiased answer of who I think will win. It should be a great one. This is what the people want to see.


Proper Writing 101

The Oxford Comma

Here’s an example of an oxford comma, in case my readers aren’t aware. “I like fruits, vegetables, and bread“. The comma after vegetables is an oxford comma. I didn’t know it was called an oxford comma until the Vampire Weekend song came out. Most of you are probably saying “Duh, freakin’ everyone uses those“. Not the case.

I’ll answer this line from the song, “Who gives a fuck about an oxford comma?” with ME! I CARE! I notice every time that there’s not an oxford comma, and it bugs the hell out of me. It makes sense to have it. It flows with how you would pronounce it. It provides clarity to the fact that you mean “vegetables and bread” separately, not together.

Give me one reason to stop using this.

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The Double Space

Double PeriodI’m not talking about double spacing papers. I’m talking about the double space after periods. I didn’t even know this was a thing until I got to college. Who puts two spaces after a period? And why? What purpose does this serve? To make it easier to read? I was never taught this, and can only imagine how much my typing WPM would suffer if I had to double tap the space bar after each sentence.

HOWEVER, the top three people at the company I work for ALL USE A DOUBLE SPACE! They’re all older, so maybe it’s generational, but once I saw that they all use it, it made me question myself. What’s the origin of the double space? Does anyone under 40 do it? I don’t really understand it, but I notice it every time, and frankly, it bothers me.

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The Tom Brady Show

A wild weekend of football! Let’s breakdown my overall playoff predictions, as I wasn’t super ballsy, but the overall predictions were generally accurate.

I predicted the Super Bowl teams. Not Super Impressive, but predicting both #1 seeds is less smart than you’d think, as that has only happened 10 times in the last 40 or so years.

I predicted three of the four Championship teams. Again, not super impressive as no crazy upsets happened, but Dallas was a popular pick, and everyone knew the Ravens would give the Pats a hard time.

I went 2-2 in the first round. The Cardinals panthers game was stupid. The Ravens over the Steelers was a 50/50 pick. However, I did predict the Pats would beat the Colts if they played, “Tom Brady. Done deal. Luck is on his way up, but the torch is not ready to be passed yet. They’ll settle for another year where they made a step in the right direction, but the Pats, in Foxborough, are not getting bounced” (Stortz, 1/3/15, 1).

I’ll give the exact same prediction for the game two weeks from now, as I did two weeks ago, “What do you honestly expect me to say? Tom will get done what Peyton could not, the debate of who’s better between them will be over, and cement his legacy as GOAT. I made this same prediction last year, but this is a new year. Last year they were injured out the whazoo and limped into that Championship game IN Denver. This year they’re healthy, and it will be sweet victory for the first time in a decade” (Stortz, 1/3/15, 2).

I actually like Russell Wilson

Will the game be close? I don’t know. Probably not. Brady will probably set the Super Bowl record for most TD passes and rushing touchdowns by a QB in a game. Belichick will probably wear a hoodie despite the fact that it will be 100 degrees. Russell Wilson will probably cry after this game like he cried after last night’s game.

Get ready everyone, I’ve been saying it for weeks. On February 1st in Glendale Arizona, we’re all going to be watching the Tom Brady show. I’ll be sure to bump this post (or delete it) in two weeks.

Happy Monday.

Top 5 Jim Carrey Movies

I was surprised that Rob caught the Cable Guy reference in my last post, since everyone seems to hate that movie. That inspired this post. Here are my top 5 all-time Jim Carrey movies. This takes into account the quality of his acting in the movie, as well as the quality of the movie.

5. The Cable Guy

Would anyone ever put this in their top 5 Jim Carrey movies? Aside from Alex and I, I don’t think so, but we quote this movie ALL THE TIME. I specifically remember a Simpson’s episode where Homer tries to rip the script of the movie in half for almost ruining Jim’s career. The first scene alone of this compilation makes me lol. The movie is bad, but Carrey is great.


4. Me Myself and Irene

Me Myself and IreneOne of his better acting jobs with switching between characters that are polar opposites, not to mention a great soundtrack. Hank is a great character with his take-no-shit-from-anyone attitude, including children. The side plot is average, but manages to push the movie along enough to highlight Hank and Charlie. Decent movie, great acting, and probably the most raunchy he’s gone. He can use “Fuck” as well as anyone. Unleashing Hank is perfect.


3. The Truman Show

Definitely a more thought provoking movie than the previous two, and more serious as well. Personally, I like the concept of the movie more than anything, and it received a 94% on Rotten Tomatoes, but Carrey’s acting is very good alongside it. I always wonder if my life is like the Truman show, if it’s all an act and I’m the star. Then I realize that show would suck. I’d sit in a cube 40 hours a week, in front of the TV another 40, in bed for 40, and latin pipe for the last 28.


2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

The best movie in the bunch in my opinion, a 93% on Rotten Tomatoes, and a totally different character for Jim than normal. Comparing Joel Barrish to all the other characters Jim plays is not even close. Normally he’s is an outgoing lunatic, but in this he’s a total introvert, albeit still a lunatic. I thoroughly enjoy this movie, and pick up new things every time I watch it. He does a fantastic job of making you buy into Joel, and this is the most thought provoking of them all. Alongside a very well played Kate Winslet, the movie is an A+, and Carrey gives an all-star performance.


1. Dumb and Dumber

THE Jim Carrey movie. A 100% timeless classic that can be watched a million times and never get old. As quote-able as they come. Honestly, does anyone NOT like this movie? If you don’t like, the only reason is because everyone else does. And everyone else does because it’s freakin’ good. It must be said that Jeff Daneils does a phenomenal job as well, and the movie wouldn’t be a classic without him doing his part too, but you can’t deny that Carrey steals the show. “What is the Soup Du Jour?




My Honorable mention – Liar Liar (decent), Ace Ventura (too over the top for me)


The Password Is…

I recently changed my password to all of my heavily used, password protected accounts, and it’s liberating. A fresh start, anything that anyone thought they knew (no one actually knew), has vanished.

My memory of passwords dates back to when I was 8 years old making my own account on Diablo. I stole Tom’s passwords and used them for my own. I still remember the simplest one, the word “phat“, was the one I used. A four letter word with no caps or numbers was the key to my Diablo account which took up more hours of my time than anything else in my entire life. Oh how the world is changed.

My current password is 13 characters. That narrows it down to about one bajillion. It’s changed to varying degrees probably five times since I was 8, yet this most recent one is the most elaborate.

Why did I do this? A co-worker of mine was hacked recently and sent an email to the entire company about opening a Google doc. I did not open the Google doc. A follow up email about security was sent out and recommended password changes to ensure protection. Passwords have evolved so much. Trying to use “phat” is no-no. Too short, no caps, no numbers, no special characters. What a joke.

The real question is, when are passwords going to go away entirely? When will passwords be replaced for good by either finger print readers, retina readers, voice recognition, or something crazy I don’t even know like penis-size detector, or anal insertion, or death? I’m just throwing out ideas. As information gets more and more “out there”, security will be, and is already, the wave of the future.

The guy who thinks up the perfect way to protect information that needs protecting is the guy who will be a billionaire, just like all the other tards who had some bat-shit idea that actually worked.

I’m telling you, watch out for anally inserted password protection.