Story: The First Time I Got Caught Drinking

It was the fall of 2006. Upper Dublin football was 0-100 and everyone was getting ready to party for their next game!

knight so grossI had consumed alcohol a few times in the past, most notably taking five shots of Peach Smirnoff and puking all over my basement carpet, but never in a “party” scene, and certainly not with the cool kids. However, the few times that I drank prior were just a warm up for the big party that was going down at a cool kids house… and I was invited.

The Plan

  • Pregame at the party house with a group of dudes.
  • Go to the Upper Dublin football game.
If all goes well!
  • Go back to the party house.
  • Do body shots off of the hottest girl there.
  • L(ay) the P(ipe) in front of the entire party.
  • Keep drinking until 8AM.
  • Go to cross country practice.


The Pregame

window jumpAt the time, I was 5’6 and 125 pounds. I had about a 6 drink maximum before things exploded.

I had 4-5 beers at the pregame, and was on the edge of black out. I wish I was on the edge of a cliff instead and just jumped off then and there. We made our way to the football game.

The Football Game


The After Party

spongeI don’t really remember the football game. I don’t really remember the after party either. The only thing I genuinely remember is going to take a shot, having a friend tell me I shouldn’t, falling to the ground, then yelling “I NEEED IT!!!” I took the shot and it was lights out. Good game. Seeyuhlayer.

The Down Hill

pukeNext thing I remember, I was in the bathroom desperately trying to clean up the vomit that had just been spewed all over the bathroom. I assumed my bare hands would clean the mess quite easily.

I called my dad a number of times to pick me up, but couldn’t manage to tell him where I was. The voicemail he left me was hilarious, “Sam, it’s your dad. Where the hell are you? You said by Mondauk, I’m driving around here like a dope, I have no idea where I’m going, I don’t see you anywhere. I’m going home.

For better or for worse, my mom knew where the house was. She picked me up. I smelled like puke and beer, couldn’t form words, and was wearing only one sandal. I played it cool and didn’t say anything the entire drive home.

Boom Goes the Dynamite

nic cage vampire 3I stumbled up to my bedroom and sat down. My mom came in. I don’t know if she was going to yell or me or what, but I just started crying like a five year old. Lucky for me, my mom is cool and she didn’t make a big deal out of it. I just have to live with the embarrassment for the rest of my life.

The After Math

cool storyI had a horrible hangover and laid on the couch all day. I had just gotten owned in every way possible. Life was awful. Why did I ever leave my basement? Why wouldn’t I just stay in like every other weekend and play Diablo? What was so cool about being cool? Who says my cats can’t be just as good of friends as humans? As if girls liked me before (they didn’t), they certainly didn’t like me afterward.

Time for a change

I need a new title, sub-title, and even URL for this blog. I’ve known this, but Brookes’ recent comment was the kick-in-the-butt I needed.

The Title

Full Speed Ahead – A stupid play on words because I was a runner and my life was moving fast. That’s not the case now and it never really was.

The Subtitle

The Adventures of Me – An even stupider subtitle that did very little other than fill space.


What comes up when you Google “banshee” – How many times do I have to tell you, it was the name of my first bike! Little did I know that “banshee” means “a female spirit whose wailing warns of an impending death in a house.” Follow that with “mann” and I’m the male version of a female spirit who screams to warn people that they’re going to die. That wasn’t cool when I was in elementary school and it’s not cool 15 years later.

Whether I get input from my readers or not, these names need to change ASAP, and I vow to do so by the end of the week. The URL may take more time, as that’s more permanent, but the first two need to GO.

A+ Comment Three Years Later

I wrote a post about my favorite smells in April of 2012, nearly 3 years ago. It was a decent idea with poor execution. Regardless, I got a comment on that post today from a total stranger with the handle WEeDaJaNe:

OMG, THE only reason, I ran across this is because of my search, why do some artificial nails smell like cat urine.. Lol but my (At HOME) scent is cigarette smoke and shit.
As a kid this was the very first thing I smelled in the morning. As I took in my first breath upon waking, all I could smell was cigarette smoke and as I opened my bedroom door I was slaped in the face with my mothers first morning shit.
So I know I am HOME when I get a big ole’ wiff of cigarettes and shit. Aren’t childhood memories something that you want to remember an relive everyday..

  • Someone out there google’d “why do some artificial nails smell like cat urine” and found my blog.
  • Not only did they find it, but they then went on to read the entire post.
  • Not only did they read the entire post, but it sparked a memory in their brain from their child hood.
  • Not only did it spark a memory, but it was significant enough for them to write that comment.

Who would write “… and as I opened my bedroom door I was slaped in the face with my mothers first morning shit“?

The post sucked, but it was worth the three year wait to get that comment.

Comments drive blogs. Your comments will almost always be better than the material I post. I like seeing the regular commenters like Tom, Gourlay, Rob, Brett, Dave, Slade, Brookes, and a few others. But getting more people involved will make this blog exponentially better. If you have a stupid comment, make it. Please.

Confession: 24-24-24

As someone who’s always said “honesty is the best policy“, I better not let karma bite me in the ass here.

During the 24-24-24, somewhere during mile 19, my pace slowed to a near halt, and I walked for probably 300 meters. I then hunched over a dry heaved a few times before realizing my inevitable fate – I can’t keep this down. No more than five seconds later did I vomit up my disgusting fish sticks, pasta, peanut butter, potato chip, and beer dinner from the night before.

With no witnesses around in the wee hours of the morning (it was like 7:00 AM), and feeling slightly rejuvenated after the vomit, I got back to running and finished up the next 5-6 miles.

Too many

I got home and wondered what to do. No one was awake. I had 10 hours or so to finish the challenge. Do I confess and go to bed defeated, or do I play it off, keep my mouth shut, and down 12 beers as fast as possible on a freshly emptied stomach acting like nothing happened? Who would I even tell at that time? Against my better moral judgement, I just kept going and didn’t say a word.

Four hours later I was finished. Bam, poof, easy-peasy. No harm no foul. Who would ever know? April fools you jackasses. Why the hell would I cheat? Multiple people brought up the notion of me cheating, “Well no one is running the miles with you, and no one drank the beers with you on Saturday morning“. Even some of my closest friends brought this up. I was heart-broken. To the layman, sure maybe I’d cheat to seem impressive. But to those close to me, I figure they would know that I’m doing this #1 to prove I can do it, and a distant #2 to impress people. If I threw up, or couldn’t finish, I would tweet it and tell everyone in a heartbeat.

Cheating ruins things. I cheated one time in high school – I got a 68 on that test. I cheated one time in college – I failed the class. Cheating is for losers. Cheating is for people that you don’t want to be friends with. Cheating is for people who aren’t good enough to not cheat, but are too prideful and arrogant to say so. Don’t cheat, unless you’re a freakin’ loser who cheats already, then cheat all you want, because no one likes you anyway.

Recap: 24-24-24

I completed the challenge successfully. The live Twitter action was a hit.

  • Total running time was 3:04
    Total running time was 3:04:15

    The 14 miles I ran on Friday were fine and I wasn’t too worn out to drink.

  • The dinner I ate on Friday was a mistake – I ate too much and my stomach was too full the rest of the night to drink a lot.
  • I slept for five hours and I think that was too much.
  • The 10 miles on Saturday morning were run easy.
  • I knew I was going to be hammered after the run if I drank 12 beers, but there was nothing to lose at that point.
  • I played COD from 8:30 to noon and drank the 12.
  • I don’t remember beers 19 – 22 well.
  • I don’t remember beers 23 – 24 at all.
  • 17:48 exceeded my expectations. If I could do it again, I wouldn’t change much aside from Friday night dinner.
Do not remember this or what "I love cake" means.
Do not remember this or what “I love cake” means.

Throughout this one I was not particularly confident. I would have guessed that the Saturday morning day drinking would have taken longer. I was alone for the majority of that time just playing COD.

Afterward I was trashed. Thanks to Alex and Hayley for supporting me in the dark hours. After taking a dive down the stairs and failing to chew / eat some fish tacos, it was bed time.

I woke up around 6:30 in a daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what was happening, but all in all I felt better than expected.

It was something I’m glad I did once, but not something I’m going to do again.


Strategy: 24-24-24

With things like this, it’s hard to come up with a strategy outside of the first few hours, because you don’t know how things will go.

I began writing down a step by step plan of what I’ll do, but that’s stupid. Here are the keys to doing this:

  • Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate – Running dehydrates you. Drinking beer dehydrates you. Put them together and you could be out for the count. Hydration is my #1 priority throughout the challenge.
  • Run the miles easy – When I did the 6-12-18-24 I probably averaged 6:30s for 12 miles like a tard. I’d estimate that running hard added an hour to my total time. I’m hoping to average somewhere around 7:45s (at least for day 1).
  • Avoid a debilitating hangover – I’m hoping for a normal hangover. If I’m not a little bit hungover, then I didn’t drink enough Friday night. However, a horrible hangover is my biggest concern for not completing this. I want to drink a lot tonight, but not too much.
  • Don’t go hungry – Eating will be key to make sure I don’t get too drunk. I plan on spreading out my consumption with my beer. I’m going to need something in my stomach to get through this without blacking.

Those, to me, are the main points of emphasis. Any one else have suggestions?

24-24-24 Challenge

When I get home from work tomorrow, I’m going to begin this challenge:

Run 24 miles and drink 24 beers in 24 hours. 

  • My beer of choice will be Yuengling.
  • Vomiting results in a DQ.
  • A rule I’m adding to clear any questions is that each mile must be completed in under 8:30 minutes to count as a mile (i.e. I can’t walk for 12 hours straight while drinking beer and count it as 24 miles).

My plan is to start at 6:30 PM. I don’t know how long I expect it to take, but I’d guess under 24 hours.

Also, I will be live tweeting this the whole way through.

I thought about starting on Saturday morning, but I think this is the optimal strategy. Anyone care to share their thoughts?

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Toilet Paper – You’re Doing it Wrong!

Proper Form
Proper Form

If you’re not holding the roll of toilet paper in your hand while you’re wiping (as shown in this picture), then you’re wasting time. Getting a piece of TP from this compared to when it’s on a holder is so much easier.

Recently, someone stated that whenever they’re in our bathroom, they take the roll of TP that’s on the back of the toilet, and put it on the holder. WHY?

I NEVER put TP on the roll. If I ran the world, there would be no holders in households.

This is incredible inefficient.

Pulling from the roll on the holder is an inefficient way of getting toilet paper. Holding it in your hand increases your wipe speed two-fold, if not more (I’d argue more). When I’m crapping at someone’s house, I take their TP roll off the holder, do what I have to do, then place the roll back on the holder, because it’s that much more effective.

What is the point of the TP holder? It makes no sense? They’re used as a place to put TP, but the back of the toilet is freakin’ built for that. The only thing the holder does is impede your ability to quickly access TP.

If you still pull it from the roll off the holder, please, give my method a try for a month. I guarantee you see the benefit. It’s a no brainer. I’m shocked society still utilizes the roll in households. In public, you need to secure the TP so people don’t steal it, so it can’t be free held, but otherwise, there’s no reason not to have it free held.

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