My App-ologies

My dad said he’s not an “App guy“. New apps are scary. Young people adapt due to FOMO. Old people think FOMO is the newest terrorist group.

Here are my bad experiences when starting new apps.

Facebook – I got Facebook in 10th grade and would routinely send direct messages to people I kind of knew because I thought it was similar to AIM.

Twitter – My very first tweet literally started with “@nickpane”. I didn’t realize people had Twitter handles, not just their name. Needless to say I didn’t get a response from him.

Shazaam – Gourlay went into the beer store for a case. I sat in the car and started singing the guitar intro to Crazy Train into my phone to see if Shazaam would pick it up.

Candy Crush – I didn’t have one bad experience with this app, I had about a million. This game sucked up two years of my life because of how god damn stupid I am.

Touch Tunes – I put $10 into the bar Big Heads which I’ve been to exactly one time because I thought you could use credits between bars. I played Beast of Burden and then left.

Snapchat – I set a poop snap as my story without realizing EVERYONE could see it. That didn’t actually happen, but I guarantee someone has done that because they didn’t understand the app.

Spotify – I had under 15 songs on my playlist for over a month because I didn’t think you could add unlimited songs with the free version. Over a year later I’m still too cheap to invest in the premium version despite the obvious benefits. Your free product is too good!



This Blog Was Awful

I look back at old blog posts, and they’re so bad. I’m shocked I spent time writing them, let alone anyone spent time reading them.

Just look at this page.

I chose a random month, February 2012, and you’ll see what I mean. Giant blocks of text. That’s all.

Visually it’s horrible to look at. Who would read that?

Content-wise is just as bad. These huge paragraphs are just blah, there’s nothing to them. I talk about my Saturday nights; “I drank here. We walked there. I didn’t get too drunk. We got Wawa. I went to bed. It was a good weekend.” Holy shit is that boring.

Tom’s post of a stranger giving him advice on how to improve his blog just shows what a fresh set of eyes can unveil. This blog may still suck, but it definitely doesn’t suck as much as it used to. Stick with something, and you’ll eventually start to suck less at it.

Will I be looking back in 2018 at posts in 2015 and saying how stupid I was? Probably.

Newspaper vs. Internet

Newspapers are stupid. However, I understand why older generations still use it. It’s familiar, they’ve used it their whole lives. Change is weird.

But please, is there any reason to still use the newspaper compared to the internet?

Here are the arguments:

Pros to having the newspaper over the internet:

  • Big DaddyThe quality of the writing is better than your news on the internet. This could be totally wrong. Then again, I’m a writer for the internet.
  • Newspaper ads don’t auto-play which is good because auto-play ads are annoying as fuck.
  • You can use newspaper to start fires, or, in Sonny Koufax’s case, cover up any mess.
  • You can wipe your ass with it if you’re on the shitter and you run out of TP.
  • Newspaper is really good at drying out running shoes that are wet.

Cons to having the newspaper over the internet:

  • Burning TreeYou have to pay for it.
  • The US newspaper business alone consumes 95 million trees a year. That’s like 7 holocausts worth of just trees.
  • Someone has to drive the newspaper to your house. That person could be doing something productive towards society.
  • You have to walk to your sidewalk to get it, then walk back inside or sit on the sidewalk to read it.
  • If you ONLY used the newspaper and had zero friends, you would have found out about 9/11 on 9/12.
  • There are no videos, just images and text.
  • The information is old (12 hours old, but 12 hours is an eternity in this instant world).
  • You can’t right click and open up 10 tabs of things you want to read.
  • Pages can tear, cats can pee on it, or, if you’re my dad, you can spill an entire plate of spaghetti sauce on it.

Winner – The Internet

The votes are in. The facts are clear. Newspapers suck. Once this generation of newspaper readers die out, it will be a dead industry.

Lebron Travels – Do you make the call?

The fact that he travels doesn’t matter on the play. But the fact is – he traveled.

Benefit to making the call – You show that you’re strictly enforcing the rules. You’re not to be made a fool of. The line is clear, and everyone knows the rules are not to be broken regardless of the scenario.

Drawback to making the call – The fact that he traveled on this play changed the game exactly 0%. It looks silly to make that call.

The issue here is that by not making the call, you’re moving the line. The line is this – when someone breaks the rule, you make the call. How many more steps could he have taken before they actually called it?

By not making the call, you’re saying you only call it when it matters. Then things become arbitrary – when does it matter and when does it not matter? That leaves room for debate, and that’s NOT what you want, because it’s only going to get more controversial from there.

I don’t know where I stand. I dislike Lebron, but that has nothing to do with my thoughts of whether or not you make the call. It’s just convenient that it was him.

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I have a feeling you won’t laugh

Alex and I quote this movie, Freddie Got Fingered, more than anyone should. I find this scene to be absolutely hilarious, but I have a strong feeling that most people wouldn’t. So watch, and let me know what you think.

Also, I had no idea MySpace still existed. It’s not surprising that MySpace is the only shitty site that has clips of such a shitty movie like Freddie.

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For the first 23 and a half years of my life, I never regularly flossed. I had so many teeth problems that flossing was the least of my worries.

Now that I don’t look like Sloth from the Goonies, I can start addressing normal people teeth issues, like flossing.

Anytime I flossed prior to this week, my gums bled. A lot. Like, as much as Elvis when he cut off his tail.

However, over the past 4-6 weeks, I’ve made the commitment to try and floss five times a week, and I’ve stuck to it successfully. As I alluded to, this is the first week that my gums didn’t bleed when I flossed. Hard work = results.

In an ideal world, I’ll keep this trend up, but who knows. I’m curious to hear what the norm is. For me, the norm was never floss, ever.

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National Running Day – Repost #2

Social media is blowing up with #NationalRunningDay. Here’s my annual repost of something I wrote on #NRD in 2013.


Today is national running day. This is great right? I love running, how could I not love National Running Day? All those out of shape, overweight, lazy folks will get off their butts and go on a run only to return and praise me for putting myself through that experience nearly everyday of my life. They finally realize how much I go through and maybe I go up a few notches in their book. People are finally giving runners the recognition they deserve.

But wait, I read a tweet today that read the following;

“How many people actually run on National Running Day? Better yet, what’s a fat ass country like this one doing with a National Running Day?

I bolded the important part of that statement. There’s no doubt we’re a very overweight country. What is a fat ass country like the US doing with a national running day? That’s exactly the point.

We have these ‘holidays’ not to highlight the things we normally do, but to highlight the things we never do. Do you think Kenya has a national running day? Of course not, everyday is national running day. They probably have national Big Mac day instead because they never eat Big Macs. I just googled national Big Mac day and guess what, America does not have one. Do you know why? Because everyday is national Big Mac day.

We dedicate one day a year to mothers and fathers because ordinarily we never recognize how important our parents are. We dedicate Christmas and birthdays to being generous and giving gifts to each other because we would never ordinarily buy a gift out of the blue. We have a holiday dedicated to remembering the troops defending our freedom because 364 days out of the year we read the headline of “Three Troops Killed in Roadside Bomb” and probably think that three is pretty good, it could have been more. Hell, we have an entire month dedicated to black people because we know they’re not treated the same way as white people.

The special days we have are not there to show what we really care about but instead what we neglect almost every day of the year. I’m not saying there aren’t good ones out there but eating a Big Mac should be the unusual act, not going on a run. So instead of doing this shit when you’re told, try doing it when your not told. Tell your mom or dad you love them out of nowhere. Spontaneously buy a gift for a friend or significant other. I’m not saying I’m not guilty of doing this as well, but when you take a step back it’s definitely something worth noting.

Yes I went on a run today, but the fact that it was national running day had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Drafting Gold

I have 21 saved drafts for this blog that never made it to publishing. Which of these would you want to see? Spare the “none of them” comments please.

  • Fictional Sidekicks: Do Wants and Don’t Wants
    • I have two don’t – Worm from Rounders and Jesse from Breaking Bad.
  • “Good” Ideas that would never happen
    • I only came up with one – kill everyone over 70 unless their mind, not body, can contribute to society.
  • One-Sided Rivalries
    • Spurred on by the Lebron Durant Rivalry that Lebron has basically dominated. Also featured Tiger vs. Phil, and Lagat vs. El G.
  • Things I Like That Other People Don’t
    • I had three things – Aqua Teen, the NBA, and professional running.
  • Original vs. Covers
    • Who did it better? Featuring songs such as Valerie, Heartless, Superstitious, etc.
  • Young Studs
    • Young people who excelled at their particular field. Inspired by Jordan Speith. Including Michael Jackson, Zola Budd, Mozart.