Top 7 Ways I Think I’ll Die

7. I won’t remove my extra teeth and they’ll eventually hit a nerve which paralyzes my face and I won’t be able to breath and I’ll die.

anti-dentiteI have four extra teeth at the moment and who knows what will happen in the next 5 years. One dentist says to remove them and my orthodontist says ahh it’s no big deal. Once the tooth hits a nerve anything could happen. I probably won’t die, I’ll probably do something really embarrassing like shit myself on the spot instead.

6. Drowning…. in the poon.

I’m surprised this isn’t #1.

5. The stress fracture in my back will split open and I’ll die.

One of these days, something is going to hit my back really hard and the fracture will open. I’m not a doctor, but I assume when my spine severs into two, I’ll die. If I do survive I could compete in the Paralympic 5k in the no-bottom-half division. I can’t imagine the competition is too stiff.

4. Bees cause me to do something that will kill me.

not-the-beesSo far my in life, bees are the only thing in the world that make me act 100% irrationally. In the few seconds that a bee is near me, my body doesn’t think, it just reacts. I’m vulnerable to death when acting 100% irrationally. Maybe I’ll run into a volcano, maybe I’ll jump off a cliff, maybe I’ll just shoot myself. I don’t know but as long as I avoid the bees, I’m happy.

3. I’ll die on a run.

I’ll get hit by a car, hit by a deer, mugged, twist an ankle and fall into a strong-current river and drown, who knows, it could be anything! I wouldn’t be too upset if I died on a run though. It’s a way better / more respectable way to die than dying during sex or the following two on the list.

2. I’ll black out and wake up dead without even knowing what happened.

man-scissor-jumpI’m sort of surprised this hasn’t already happened. I’ve had my fair share of irresponsible nights, and it’s not that crazy to think that I’ll fall into a manhole or accidentally walk into the gorilla exhibit at the zoo.

For some reason though, Stortz’s have a knack for avoiding major disasters when drunk. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve all had our fair share of bad ones, but nothing as bad as they could have (should have) been.

1. Guilty as charged with the texting and driving!

jfkI know I do it. It’s never anything important either. It’s usually just telling the Snakes when I’ll get to the bowling alley or texting a joke that I think is too funny to not-text on the spot. Such a millennial way to die. But it’s probably the closest I’ve come to death so far, and the most likely way I’ll die.

Another Reason I Don’t Like Hillary – Pepe the Frog

Here’s an actual article on Hillary Clinton’s website.

It mentions how awful it is that Trump and his family are okay being associated with Pepe the Frog. One of the actual lines in the article is:

That’s Pepe. He’s a symbol associated with white supremacy.

trump

Someone made an image of “The Deplorables” featuring Trump, Pepe, and others, and the Hillary camp tries to spin it as a sign of white supremacy among the Trump campaign because they don’t denounce their relationship to PEPE THE FUCKING FROG. Is this a joke?

That article is mind blowing to me. Either Hillary / her camp didn’t do their research and don’t realize that Pepe has been a meme for almost a decade and 99% of its usage has been completely unrelated to white supremacy, or they did their research, ignored it, and wrote this stupid article.

My guess is their thought-process went something like this:

Well, most people probably don’t know who Pepe the Frog is. Some of these racist groups have been including him in their tweets, so if we just phrase it as ‘a meme associated with white supremacy’, then we’re not technically lying. And people are stupid, they’ll believe us. Everyone is looking for a reason to call Trump racist. Go ahead with it! 

This is another example of why I don’t like Hillary / the hard left, as this is showing up on dozens of other “news” sites (NBC has an article with the headline “Trump Adviser, Son Post Image of Trump’s ‘Deplorables’ Featuring White Nationalist Symbol“, what the actual fuck is going on). I’m well aware that conservatives do the same thing as far as spinning stupid stories, but it particularly bothers me when the left spins stories about racism, sexism, etc. because those should be taken very seriously.

Accusing someone of racism based on this is absolute bullshit and I’d hope a presidential candidate would be above that.

Seriously, a presidential candidate is trying to say her opponent is racist because he DOESN’T NOT SUPPORT a fucking internet meme.

Racism does exist, but this is not an example of Trump being a racist.

Kid Goes Beast Mode

The entire second clip (:19 – :32) is gold. Enjoy it while it lasts kid.

Don’t be THAT GUY during football games

I’m watching the Eagles / Browns game with my dad, his friend, and our neighbor. Before the game even started I knew this was trouble…

carl-ughMy dad’s friend is one of those guys when watching football game. He comments on EVERY PLAY in a voice that’s twice as many decibels as it should be. Half the time what he’s saying isn’t even relevant to the play / game and the other half he’s just wrong.

Here are some snippets:

  • Penalty. PENALTY! HE’S HOLDING HIM!!
  • WHO’S #21?! HE’S NOT DOING HIS JOB!
  • DID YOU SEE THAT?! THE ONE REF SAID IT WAS GOOD AND THE OTHER SAID IT WASN’T! I’VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE!!!
  • MICHAEL! CARSON SHOOK HIS HAND AFTER THE TOUCHDOWN. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT BEFORE?! I’VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE IN MY LIFE!!

I don’t know how people don’t realize when they’re doing this, but it makes the game nearly unwatchable. PSA, do not be THAT GUY when watching football games.

*Side note on watching the game with old people. NFL RedZone doesn’t connect with old people, but it’s by far the best way to watch football. Maybe because they don’t play fantasy, but from the hours of 1:00 – 8:00 on any given Sunday, I want to spend zero minutes and zero seconds watching commercials. I flip back and forth from the Eagles to Red Zone and apparently I’m “all over the place”. They can’t keep up. RedZone or die.

NFL 2016 – Season Predictions

Last year I wrote this post saying the Eagles would win the Super Bowl and boy was I right. Chip and the boys shocked the world! This year I have a feeling I’m going to be equally accurate.

NFC Championship Game

Seattle Seahawks (13-3) vs. Greenbay Packers (11-5)

seahawksRussell gets a little better / more mature each year. This year, it’s 100% his team and after a stumble last year they’re going to rebound convincingly.

I wanted to pick Cam and the Panthers here as I think they’ll have a good year, and I usually root against Aaron Rodgers and the Packers, but I just get the feeling that if they’re healthy, they’re going to be there. They were beat up last year and still came so close.

When it comes down to it though, the Packers magic will run out. A playoff game on the road in Seattle is about the last place you want to be. Seattle to the Super Bowl.


AFC Championship Game

New England Patriots (12-4) vs. Oakland Raiders (10-6)

Once Brady comes back from suspension, Bill, Tom, and the boys will finish on a destructive run through the AFC. I’m talkin’ GOAT performances from Brady, 30 point fantasy weeks for Gronk, and Marshawn Lynch a surprise-but-not-actually-that-surprising-when-you-think-about-it move that pays off (sorry Legarrette).

oaklandThe Raiders have proven to be up-and-coming contenders. Honestly, who in the AFC scares you other than the Pats? The Steelers? Texans? Colts? Chiefs? Broncos? No one jumps out as a clear #2 and if the young guys on both sides of the ball for Oakland start gellin’, they’re going to be good. They steal the division from Denver this year who won’t even make the playoffs.

But, no surprise, Tom and Bill advance to their 14th Super Bowl with home field advantage playing a part here.


Super Bowl LI

 

New England Patriots (12-4) vs. Seattle Seahawks (13-3)

A rematch for the ages. The classic “old white quarterback who stands in the pocket and picks teams apart” vs. “young black quarterback who escapes pressure and extend plays in incredible fashion”. History favors the former. I think, just like Super Bowl XLIX, this will be one to remember.

But honestly, who do you expect me to pick? Tom is out for blood this year. Barring injuries to him or Gronk, they’re going all the way. If anything this four game suspension helps him. He’ll be fresh as a fox and angry as a bull, and that’s a scary combo.

As if the debate wasn’t already settled, Tom puts GOAT status out of reach for anyone else for a long long time. It will be magical to watch.

Story: The 2007 UDXC Season ft. Sam and Gourlay

This Was My Chance.

Our top runner leading the way.
Our top runner leading the way.

It was the fall of 2007 and the Upper Dublin boy’s cross country team had high aspirations, eyeing the state championship in November.

As a desperate runt who always fell in the shadow of my older brothers, this was my opportunity. The 7th and final spot on the varsity team was open, and this was my chance.

But there was one person standing in my way…

Andrew. Gourlay.

sam-and-gourlay
Gourlay (standing) – Top Right (not the Asian) Sam (kneeling) – Bottom Left

Gourlay was always a little faster than me and I hated him. Over the previous two seasons he’d stamped himself as a better runner, most notably running a 4:38 mile as a sophomore.

We traded victories throughout the XC season but I got the nod for the seventh varsity spot at districts. This was the big audition.

I ran 17:11, a PR, but not to be outdone, Gourlay ran 17:08 and placed 6th overall in the JV race, a more impressive performance.

Our resumes were so similar, now it was up to the coaches.

The Fateful Conversation

It was the day before the race and our coach called me and Gourlay into the room.

Here’s how it went down:

Coach: “So… who WANTS to run?”
Me and Gourlay: “I mean, we both do”
Coach: “Okay, but who wants to run more”

*Awkward pause*

Gourlay: “Sam probably does.”
Coach: “Okay, well then that’s it. Sam’s going to run.”

Vandegrift was pissed at Gourlay and questioned why my “desire” was greater than his. Gourlay basically said “I don’t know, Sam cares more than I do.” To this day, Gourlay will say he was just being honest.

Deep down, Vandegrift knew the answer, he just wanted to hear us say it. The 7th man didn’t matter, and odds are Gourlay would have run faster than me, but Grift thought “This would mean more to Sam“, and once Gourlay confirmed that though, it was a done deal.

The Aftermath

Gourlay and I hated each other forever after that and I haven’t seen him since.

Last bowling post for a while I swear

I know you don’t care. At this point these are more for personal reference than anything else.

The snakes bowled 10 games last night. Kudos to Tom who also averaged 200+ and threw a 268 as well. League starts again this Monday!

emma
“You’re so amazing Sam”

Game 1 – 222
Game 2 – 268
Game 3 – 239
Game 4 – 202
Game 5 – 203
Game 6 – 193
Game 7 – 190
Game 8 – 211
Game 9 – 252
Game 10 – 178

Average – 215.8

 

Second Fantasy Draft – Grade My Team

Things to know:

  • 12 teams
  • .5 PPR
  • Snake Draft
  • I was 2nd pick
  • 1 QB, 2 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 Flex, 1 K, 1 D/ST
  • QB Passing TD is 4
  • All other scoring is standard
  • I actually care about this league

My Team

  • "Not bad Sam, not bad at all!"
    “Not bad Sam, not bad at all!”

    Pick 2 Odell Beckham Jr. WR

  • Pick 23Brandon Marshall WR
  • Pick 26Jordy Nelson WR
  • Pick 47DeMarco Murray RB
  • Pick 50Andrew Luck QB
  • Pick 71Giovani Bernard RB
  • Pick 74Coby Fleener TE
  • Pick 95DeSean Jackson WR
  • Pick 98Denver D/ST
  • Pick 119Isaiah Crowell RB
  • Pick 122Jay Ajayi RB
  • Pick 143DeVante Parker WR
  • Pick 146Theo Riddick RB
  • Pick 167Jimmy Graham TE
  • Pick 170Graham Gano K

I like this team, For what it’s worth, Yahoo predicts that I’ll finish second (it predicts Tom to win of course).

Help Wanted – Naming the Mountain House

My parents purchased a house in the Pocono’s and we went up for the first time this weekend. One of the remaining to priorities is to name it.

Some things to consider while suggesting names:

  • It’s on a corner
  • It’s in the woods and covered by trees
  • There’s a decent set of stairs to reach it
  • Our last name is Stortz

Here are the suggested names so far:

  • Stairway to Heaven (Laura)
  • High in the Sky (Mom)
  • Cocks on the Corner (Me)
  • Dabbin’ in the Woods (Me)
  • Johnny Walker Black Out (Tom / Laura)

We need to have the name within a week or two, so please either A) suggest a new name or B) vote on one of the proposed names.

The (Bowling) Game of My Life

Tom and I bowled 11 games each yesterday and this happened on game 3.

Here’s what happened:

The lanes were heavily oiled and I moved AN ENTIRE ARROW TO THE RIGHT FOR MY FIRST BALL!

Five of my first seven strikes were Jersey, but I was throwing it hard (~16.4 MPH) and slamming the pocket (no more Jerseys after that).

With one frame left, I was really starting to believe in the 300.

The group next to us was two older people with their two kids, one of which was a four years old with autism. Right before I began my 10th the four year old threw a fit so I decided to wait it out instead of just bowl which I had been doing.

squidward dabTwo minutes later, with pressure building the whole time, I went. First ball in the 10th was a perfect strike. I was pumped.

Second ball in the 10th. This might actually happen. I threw it and immediately upon release I knew it was wide. I came in way too light on the pocket and the 300 was over. I picked up the single-pin spare for the 289.

Kudos to Tom for striking out and finishing in a respectable 191. If he hadn’t, this picture wouldn’t have looked as cool (for him).

Should I be happy or did I choke?

I pose that as a question, but I know my answer. I’m very happy.

Sure these opportunities do NOT come around often, but I’m getting more experience in high pressure situations. Tom has been saying it too, but the 300 is coming. Whether it’s Tom, Me, Weens, even Wevs! It’s going to happen one of these times. And when it does, it’s going to be amazing.

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