Love was in the air

Posted by Sam on February 15, 2016

ValentineThe February marketing scheme that causes the price of flowers and demand for dinner reservations to temporarily inflate and puts unnecessary stress on relationship due to societal pressures to live up to some arbitrary standard has come and gone. Love and money-for-the-rich are in the air!!!

Here’s a list of my pre-high school crushes:

1st Grade – Liz C.
Lots of tension on the playground during recess. We ended up going to Ursinus together and she thinks I’m weirder now than I was in first grade. Nothing ever happened.

2nd Grade – Claire S.
A blonde bombshell who apparently also had a crush on me in 2nd grade, though I never had the stones to say anything. Haven’t seen her in years. Nothing ever happened.

3rd Grade – Taylor B.
I used to call her Starvin Marvin from South Park for no real reason. We were very flirty, then she got cancer in 5th grade. She’s fine now. Haven’t seen her in years. Nothing ever happened.

4th Grade – Claire S. / Taylor B.
Claire broke her arm just like I did two years earlier, so I tried to bond with her over that, but it didn’t work. Taylor and I still flirted. Nothing ever happened.

5th Grade – Claire S.
Nothing ever happened. 5th grade, however, was the first time I was asked out by someone else. I said no. So classic.

6th Grade – Dana C. & Marissa G.
Dana and I used to exchange notes in class and message a lot on AIM. Marissa dated Alex (current roommate) in 5th grade so it was forbidden love, but we talked about animals and her becoming a doctor. Nothing ever happened.

7th Grade – Jenna W.
We had homeroom and science together. She ended up being better friends with my brother Jeff than me though, because I was a loser and she was cool. Haven’t seen her in years. Nothing ever happened.

8th Grade – Ang V.
Used to AIM it up every day. She had a dedicated page on my buddy profile that said something really gay, but I can’t remember exactly. We ended up on different teams (like school teams, she’s not a lesbian) though and that was that. Nothing ever happened.

 

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