NFL Week 14 2017 – LOCK OF THE WEEK

Lock of the Week – New York Giants +3.5 vs. Dallas Cowboys

Lock of the weekOkay, 6/10 on the season and my last two locks have been disastrous.

Smart gamblers would be skeptical of my picks, but this week may be my lock of the SEASON, and you don’t want to miss out.

Also, I can’t take credit for Ravens +5 @ Steelers, as the Shee gave me that one, but it has my LOCK stamp of approval if you’re looking for some parlay action.

Story: The Clogged Toilet in the Hotel Lobby Bathroom

Two days ago I was at the Rittenhouse Hotel for work. I wore a dress shirt and naturally I had pit stains before I even left my house. Me, being the smart guy I am though, packed a second shirt.

Aside from the fact that I was self-conscious about my pit-stains for the full 3 hour work event, it went well.

“Great thinking on the second shirt, Sam.”

I had planned to meet someone for drinks afterward. This is where the second dress shirt comes in.

I go into a stall in the hotel lobby bathroom to change shirts, but the stall is clogged and there’s a terd the size of a softball floating around. Awesome. This doesn’t phase me though, because I’m not there for the stall.

I’m a bit flustered as I’m changing shirts so I hardly notice the toilet continually flushing because of the motion sensor picking up my movement.

Next thing I know, we have a breach. Water starts shooting out of this thing like a bidet and shit-softball is up next. I don’t even have my second shirt on yet.


I consider myself good under pressure.

In this moment, it’s about prioritizing. Do I:

  • Keep putting on my second shirt, accept that my shoe will get grossly wet, then leave.
  • Attempt to fix the clog somehow.
  • Get out on the spot, shirtless, and hope no one else is in the bathroom, all the while knowing if someone is outside they’ll automatically assume I clogged the toilet.

Option 3, no doubt.

I burst out of the stall, shirtless and pants unbuttoned. No one was out there. I put my bag near the sinks and quickly fake-piss at the urinal so I can button up my second shirt.

Meanwhile, water is coming out of the bottom of the second stall door. If anyone walks in, I’m toast.

I get shirt two on, grab my stuff, and I’m OUT.

And that’s it. The rest of the night was great!

Why aren’t field goals in Fantasy Football decimal scoring?

Rob said this the other week and it blew my mind.

“Heh, that’s actually a pretty good idea…”

Fantasy football is stuck in the stone-age with 30-39 yards = 3 points, 40 – 49 = 4 points, etc. Every league at this point is decimal scoring, why wouldn’t a 35 yard field goal be 3.5 points?

How many games have been LOST by .1 because a field goal was 39 or 49 yards instead of 40 or 50?

It makes no sense to have a 39 yarder be the same amount as a 30 yarder, but a full point less than a 40 yarder.

HOW IS THIS NOT AN OPTION YET?!

#freethefieldgoal

NFL Week 13 2017 – LOCK OF THE WEEK

I lost the last lock on purpose so I could be 6/9 on the season.

Lock of the Week – Denver Broncos -1.5 @ Miami Dolphins

Lock of the weekIt’s a game that no one will watch because both of these teams suck, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make some cash while you’re watching other games, right?

How NOT to do Christmas Presents

My family has done a pollyanna for Christmas the last ~6 years or so. This year, it was suggested that we’d “make a list of what gifts you want and others can buy them for you”.

I’ve heard of other families doing this and I think it’s a TERRIBLE idea.

“Totally agree Sam, it’s a bad idea.”

The whole point of presents is to be creative and get someone something they wouldn’t ordinarily get themselves. The pollyanna is nice because I know Tom would get my something completely different than Brookes, for example. Each person puts their own spin on the presents and the element of surprise is exciting.

What is the point of saying “I want this” if it’s going to be the same no matter who gets it for you? Plus, if I really want something throughout the year, I’ll just buy it myself.

Family, I hope you’re reading this.

An Instagram for Melon (and Covy)?

Multiple people have suggested I create an Instagram account for my new blind cat, Melon (featuring his seeing-eye-cat Covy). Everyone has Instagram accounts for their pets, but because Melon has no eyeballs, and has a seeing-eye-cat, it’s unique.


The Pros

  • The blind cat is amazing social media material. He’s super confident and has a high pain tolerance (he’s run into my metal lamp at full speed and didn’t bat an eyelash (duh, cause he doesn’t have any)).
  • I’ll get thousands (millions? (billions?)) of followers, and one of them is bound to like me enough to date me.
  • I’ll have a recorded history of these cats’ lives to show my future cats.

The Cons

  • It puts pressure on me to post & think of clever stuff. I struggle enough with this blog, do I really want to add another thing?
  • I’ll get called out as a bad person for exploiting my blind cat for profit / to get girls (neither of which are happening yet).
  • When I get famous I’ll inevitably get caught up in some scandal where I’m filmed on the streets of Philly blackout drunk and everyone’s going to be like “Isn’t that the guy with the blind cat?! Pretty irresponsible of you, you cuck!!!”

Right now I’m leaning no, but could be convinced. Thoughts?

How could you not love these guys?

#GivingTuesday is Tomorrow – Let’s Donate

#GivingTuesday is tomorrow!

As an employee of a company who profits off of non-profits processing donations (wat), I try to do my part in making #GivingTuesday as big as possible!

Just the fact that you’re reading this blog means your life is better than like 3 billion people in the world.

There are thousands of causes to donate to; world hunger, homelessness, cancer research, blind cats, etc. and I guarantee you’re passionate about at least one of them. Do some research, pick a charity you like, and give back a little!


I had a good run at the casino two weeks ago, so instead of donating it back to Sugar House, I’ll be donating $200 each to two charities of the readers’ choice!

Please comment, text, email, call, write, whatever, which charities you’d like to nominate, and don’t forget to donate yourself!

NFL Week 12 2017 – LOCK OF THE WEEK

It’s not every day that Nathan Peterman throws 5 interceptions in an NFL game, but when he does, you want to have money on the team he’s playing against like I did last week.

Lock of the Week – Indianapolis Colts +3 vs. Tennessee Titans

Lock of the weekI don’t have much to say about this one other than the locks have been hitting at 75%, so by default the Colts have a 75% chance to cover here which are pretty good odds. You should probably bet them.

Not sure if you can afford it? What you should really be asking yourself is can you afford NOT to bet it. I didn’t think so.

I’m still alive

I haven’t posted all week. The holiday and blind cat have taken up a good chunk of my time but everything’s going well!

Here’s some funny things to make this post worth checking:

Robots screwing up will always be funny:


Me at the gym:

The best argument for dogs > cats:


As someone who rescues cats, I can relate to this:

I adopted the blind cat

Here’s me and Melon:

It took him two full days to stop hissing at me but now were buds! He sleeps on the bed with me and only scratched my face once but I had it coming.

You’d barely notice that he’s blind other than the obvious fact that he doesn’t have eyeballs. He walks around confidently, can jump up onto things, and responds very well to sounds / vibrations.

I’ve gotten ~25 new followers on Instagram just because I adopted him. He’s a local celebrity, and because of that, I think I’m going to keep the name Melon.

He and Covy aren’t off to a great start, but props to Covy for being patient and consistently trying to be nice. Melon just hisses every time he senses Covy.

I’ll do my best to keep the Instagram / Snapchat updates going. So far so good.